Swiping through profiles and meeting new people may seem like the obvious starting point for anyone hoping to find love in the modern era.
However, according to Dr. Dan Rosenfeld, the more important work may begin long before a promising connection comes along.
The California-based dating coach and author believes the way a person experiences singlehood can quietly shape their romantic choices, emotional responses, and the relationships they eventually form.
His advice centers on four often-overlooked areas that could help people better understand their needs and expectations before welcoming someone into their lives.
Learn to be alone before looking for companionship
For those hoping to find a romantic partner, being single can sometimes feel like something that needs fixing.
Rosenfeld, who has a Ph.D. in psychology and has built a career studying anxieties, old wounds, and the invisible scripts people repeat without realizing, believes changing that mindset can be an important part of approaching dating more healthily.
“Don’t date to escape loneliness. Instead, learn to be at peace while you’re alone,” the psychologist told Newsweek.
According to him, someone who is comfortable spending time alone may be better positioned to make deliberate choices about whom they want to date.
Rather than entering a relationship simply because being single feels uncomfortable, they can consider whether the other person genuinely fits into their life.
Rosenfeld’s approach is less about avoiding romance and more about examining the reasons behind seeking it.
Wanting companionship is natural, but clinging to someone “out of fear” and expecting them to eliminate feelings of loneliness can ultimately do more harm, he said.
Address unresolved emotional wounds before starting something new
Past relationships can leave emotional wounds that do not necessarily disappear when someone new enters the picture.
Therefore, Rosenfeld advised people to “heal before you date,” noting that unresolved trauma “often shows up as jealousy, avoidance or neediness in relationships.”
Those reactions can take different forms.
Someone who has experienced betrayal may struggle to trust a new partner, while a person who has faced rejection may become particularly sensitive to signs of distance.
Rosenfeld argues that such reactions can create difficulties for both people involved.
“When you bring unhealed trauma into a relationship, you’re asking someone else to hold the weight you haven’t yet learned to hold yourself,” he said.
Understanding attachment styles can reveal recurring relationship patterns
Rosenfeld also says understanding the psychological framework behind those behaviors matters.
Attachment theory, the idea that early bonds with caregivers can shape how people relate to partners as adults, has surged in popularity in recent years, from TikTok therapy content to bestselling relationship books.
Rosenfeld believes the attention surrounding the concept is warranted.
“Attachment styles are real and worth understanding,” he said. “Knowing whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or secure will explain a tremendous amount about your relationship patterns.”
Recognizing where someone falls across these three attachment styles can shed light on everything from why certain partnerships repeatedly unravel to why a seemingly “perfect” match never quite feels satisfying.
Look beyond your usual type to understand what truly makes you happy
Knowing what someone wants in a partner may sound straightforward, but Rosenfeld believes there is an important difference between having a “type” and knowing what actually “makes you happy.”
“Learning to tell them apart is one of the most significant steps in finding your person.”
The distinction carries real psychological weight, Rosenfeld says.
People may gravitate toward familiar physical features or personality traits because they are associated with early attachment figures, even when similar dynamics have led to heartbreak in the past.
Rosenfeld advises weighing that instinctive pull against long-term outcomes and trusting the latter more.
Ultimately, the psychologist returned to a central principle: dating should involve more than trying to be chosen by another person.
“Don’t focus on being chosen; instead, focus on becoming someone who chooses well,” he said.
“That’s where your power lies. It always will.”
“Just because he is a nice guy doesn’t mean he is the guy for you,” a netizen said
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