Among the many things that can be offensive to any person, mistrust stands out. We solemnly swear to be together until death, in joy and sorrow – and then demand paternity tests. We send an employee on vacation after a surgery – and immediately find them a replacement. We give a million-dollar contract to a quarterback – and at the same time find him an equivalent backup…
Mistrust permeates our world, and it’s especially offensive when this mistrust comes from our parents. Because, it would seem, who else but them should always morally support their children? Even if they are long grown up. But no – and our story today is further confirmation of this.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post has a 60-year-old mom, with whom she has always had a strained relationship
Image credits: Askar Abayev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The mom has always let herself criticize the daughter for her life choices and belittle her achievements
Image credits: throwaway3747434
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
However, the woman recently attended a traditional family Thanksgiving gathering with her parents, brother, SIL and other relatives
Image credits: throwaway3747434
Image credits: Wendy Wei / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author’s mom usually makes pumpkin cake for the holiday, but this time she asked the author to make dessert – and she made a maple cheesecake
Image credits: throwaway3747434
However, it turned out that the mom had baked a pumpkin pie too – “as a backup,” so when she served it to the guests, the woman just left without any words
So, please meet the Original Poster (OP), a 32-year-old woman who has a brother and a 60-year-old mother, with whom she recently attended a Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, her relatives do not come over that often – after all, the brother and his wife live in South Africa, but once a year, they pay tribute to the family tradition.
This was the case this time too – and this time the author’s mom asked her to make a cake. Usually, the mother herself makes dessert for the holidays – always a pumpkin pie, but this time our heroine decided to change traditions. Firstly, she doesn’t like the taste of pumpkin, and secondly, she decided to just make something special: in this case, a maple cheesecake.
It must be said that our heroine has always had a rather tense relationship with her mom. Since very childhood, she has constantly pestered her with various passive-aggressive remarks, belittling literally all of the daughter’s choices. The OP has repeatedly told her mom that she doesn’t like such criticism, but she always stated that it was just her manner of communication.
However, in fairness, the original poster admits that the mother has never allowed herself to make such remarks towards her son. As for the author, she has constantly faced criticism of her career, personal life, lack of children, and many, many other things. And this year’s Thanksgiving was no exception…
As it turned out, the mom, even knowing that the daughter was making the cake this time, still baked her usual pumpkin pie – “just as a backup.” And, what’s more, she put the maple cheesecake in the fridge and started cutting her own pie for the guests. Our heroine was upset, offended – and simply got up, took her coat and left, ignoring calls to return.
And then the woman received an angry text from her mother, who accused her of being “rude and disrespectful.” And the rest of her relatives didn’t approve of her behavior either. But the original poster is sincerely convinced that she is the injured party here. So she decided to seek some support online.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“Unfortunately, passive aggression is a ‘favorite technique’ of many mothers when communicating with adult children. Parents often choose one child who meets their expectations more – and behave completely inappropriately towards the other. Or others,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here.
“And for some reason, parents are absolutely sure that such hints, teasing and veiled criticism are capable of having some effect. And if any effect is achieved at all, then it’s quite the opposite of what is desired by them. But, unfortunately, many outdated parental behavior patterns are like that.”
“In the aforementioned situation, it seems to me that this woman should simply minimize communication with her mother – since repeated requests to stop such behavior have had no effect. It’s worth concentrating on herself, on her own needs and solving her problems. Perhaps, over time, the parents could change their attitude – although one shouldn’t count on it,” Irina concludes.
Well, unlike her relatives, people in the comments to the original post supported the author, and expressed real sympathy. “You’re not close for good reason. Your mom can’t even be nice and civil for one evening. Next year, decline the invite,” one of the responders urged the original poster. “Feel free to not holiday with them again,” another one agreed.
As for the author’s behavior, the commenters are also almost certain that she wasn’t wrong. “You did the right thing by leaving when you felt like you could take no more. You don’t need to reply to those texts. They didn’t ask a question to reply to,” one more commenter wrote. “They didn’t offer an apology to accept or decline. So what would you need to reply to? Ignore it and go on with your best life.” And do you, our dear readers, also agree with these opinions?
People in the comments, unlike the woman’s fam, gave her both support and sympathy, urging her to go no-contact with her passive-abusive mom
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