Many years ago on some internet forum (yes, very many years ago!), I read a humorous collection of "words you wouldn't want to hear from a doctor on the operating table." There were things like, "Accept my sacrifice, oh Dark Lord!" or "Okay kitty, stop meowing, here's a piece of meat for you!"
I thought it was very funny until, many years later, when the doctor was pumping fluid out of my knee, she uttered thoughtfully: "Damn, how funnily the syringe swings..." After that, I realized that a good doctor for me is a silent doctor. Well, some characters in this collection will agree with me, and some will definitely not. Anyway, let's just read on.
More info: Reddit
#1
A male doctor declared that I was about to receive the best pelvic exam in my life. He then proceeded to chatter about how horrible they are for women so he asked his wife to help instruct him on making them as painless and comfortable as possible. He did not lie, it was indeed the best pelvic exam I’ve had in my life. Weird as f**k to start out that way, but bless him for caring so much.
Image credits: One_Science8349
#2
Dr: Are you related to Dr _____ that works here?
Me: Yes, he’s my uncle
Dr: Do you like him?
Me: No he’s an absolute d**k
Dr: opens door rushes down hallway and I can overhear him say “told you! Even his own family hates him” to the other docs in the office.
Image credits: NUDES_4_CHRIST
#3
I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”.
Image credits: truthcopy
In this collection by Bored Panda, you will find a variety of stories - from the damn funny to the absolutely ridiculous and completely inappropriate. Some of them could probably cost doctors their jobs, while others, on the contrary, helped their patients believe in themselves and their future recovery. After all, no one has canceled the placebo effect - and encouraging words from a doctor are also kind of a powerful placebo. And vice versa as well.
#4
I had a female doctor bend me over and stick her finger up my butt to check my prostate. When she was done she said “Your prostate is absolutely wonderful! No enlargement at all. It’s absolutely fantastic! GOOD FOR YOU!”
She did this with the same voice and look on her face that one would give to someone who just performed a symphonic masterpiece. I felt so accomplished.
I’m sorry she left the practice.
Image credits: dma1965
#5
I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, "Huh. That's an... interesting color."
This wouldn't be at all strange if his own hair wasn't BRIGHT BLUE.
Image credits: Middle-Gas3531
#6
Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room.
Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X
Dad. I just haven't been feeling myself lately.
Doctor. I'm glad it's a filthy habit.
I almost choked laughing.
Image credits: UsuallyAnnoying324
It is interesting that about a quarter of a century ago, researchers noticed a trend that doctors generally began to talk less with patients about their illnesses, preferring to answer questions and fill out standard questionnaires. “As time progresses, I’m becoming convinced that doctors don’t like talking to patients,” Frank J. Weinstock, M.D., wrote in their study dated back to 1999.
“Staff members answer most questions and screen all calls, and the ‘don’t tell the patient I’m here’ attitude seems to be on the rise. It’s especially prevalent when it comes to talking on the phone.” Well, as the old chewing gum commercial once said, "Sometimes it's better to chew than to talk!"
#7
A horse threw me into the side of the barn (not really her fault) and broke my coccyx. ER took xrays of my pelvis. The ER doctor came in to tell me their findings with the biggest grin on his face and said, "Contrary to public opinion, I can't put your a*s in a sling." He obviously had been waiting his entire career to deliver that line.
#8
An older doctor was examining my breasts because they were lumpy and it concerned me. The doctor said ‘wow! Your breasts are just like my wifes … er I mean you both have fibrocystic breasts.’ He blushed and I just laughed.
Image credits: BlackCaaaaat
#9
We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic!
I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”.
Image credits: jdownes316
After all, doctors are people too, with their own character traits (some would call them "oddities"), with their own strengths and weaknesses. It just so happens that their place of work is much more vital for many of us than, for example, the place of work of a car mechanic (well, a bad example - our life also much depends on the quality of the car mechanic's work).
In any case, no matter what sense of humor a doctor has, it probably shouldn't be used in relation to a patient's illness. Simply because it looks really inappropriate and unethical. And, as we have already noted, some doctors have encountered complaints about their strange phrases when communicating with patients.
#10
In the ER about 2am, he didn't speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I'm 99% sure that wasn't me. He says "are you (name)?" I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, "Are you Skittlecar1?" I said yes. Ok good. You're having a heart attack.
Ended up with 5 stents and I'm all good now after some therapy.
Image credits: SkittleCar1
#11
I asked him what a long acronym "FUE" the ocular oncologist wrote meant, he tried to pronounce it, shrugged, and said "We'll just call it F****d Up Eye". It's been called that ever since.
During the same weird cancer episode, a neurologist said my brain was "unremarkable". I mean, he's right in so many ways, but I was delighted to hear it.
Image credits: zerbey
#12
An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.”
Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.”
Doctor dad jokes….
"In fact, a lot depends on the doctor's specialization and their experience," says Iryna Stasiuk, an expert in syndromic therapy from Odessa, Ukraine, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. "Often, urologists and proctologists joke the most - simply because of the specifics of their profession. And, of course, the doctor's experience is also important."
"The thing is that an experienced doctor, regardless of specialty, is at the same time quite a good psychologist, and is able to ‘read’ the patient - to understand how much a joke will lift their spirits. And if the specialist understands that humor is inappropriate in a given situation, they will remain silent. Of course, there are outrageous cases, but this is more the exception than the rule."
"Again, I will say that jokes - even ‘on the verge of a foul’ - are most often made by specialists with many years of experience," Iryna sums up.
#13
I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said "well so do I, that's pretty normal", then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied "well whats the point of drinking if you're not going to get drunk?". I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he'd taken me seriously.
Image credits: No_Cartographer7815
#14
I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual.
“I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.”
And
“How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg).
Image credits: ElvisAndretti
#15
I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out.
Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold.
Image credits: Weak-Ganache-1566
Well, I sincerely hope that at least a few of the stories told in this collection are fictitious. After all, I have a dentist appointment next week, and frankly, I wouldn't want to hear any of the things described here... However, if you've also witnessed some weird phrases from your doctors, please feel free to share your stories in the comments below this post.
#16
Him - Sir you have no ACL I have no idea how you’re walking, or wrestling, or playing basketball… doesn’t it hurt?
Me - mama didn’t raise no b***h
Him - no.. it’s seems not.. but she did raise a smurf
Damnnn I’m not that short.
Image credits: SmackaHam
#17
I got a vasectomy and the female doctor said, "you've got really nice anatomy," and I couldn't believe what she had just said to me. She followed it up with "I just mean your skin (on your s*****m) is really thin..."
Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.
Image credits: Mr_Elroy_Jetson
#18
“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain.
That was a private doctor that I paid good money for.
It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body.
I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself.
That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.
#19
“How the hell is there sand in here?”
Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.
Image credits: simplemindedturtle
#20
"If God wanted us to take pills He would have put a little hole in our stomachs," pokes me in the belly.
This from an endocrinologist who wanted me to stop taking **all** medications for at least a month before she would even think about listening to my concerns or having blood work done. After leaving me waiting in the exam room for nearly two hours.
#21
"Stay here. I have to contact the state health department."
Turns out I had Zica.
Image credits: Wookie_Nipple
#22
-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo.
-Eat more Wonder Bread.
Image credits: DadBodFromWish
#23
I'm split between (both were female doctors):
"Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?"
or
"Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position".
Image credits: plantaxl
#24
Proctologist inserting camera: let me know when this feels good.
Image credits: CopperTop62
#25
“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.
Image credits: OutcomeOk4500
#26
Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it.
He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
Image credits: gravis86
#27
To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion)
And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible).
Image credits: Bagel-luigi
#28
Doctor giving me an exam: "You do realize Mr. HoneyBadger that your left testicle hangs lower than the right?"
Me concerned as f**k: "Uhhhh yes....is that something bad?!!"
Doctor: "No not at all. Very common and normal. You can put your pants back on.".
Image credits: ThisistheHoneyBadger
#29
She said I was a healthy person with lots of medical problems.
Image credits: S_Z
#30
"we think you might have lymphoma, but that's the cancer you want, either we'll cure it or it will just [end] you, no hanging around".
Image credits: NolanTheCelt
#31
'Your problem is that you think too much.' - said by the doctor prescribing me fluoxetine for my OCD.
Image credits: MightyMeerkat97
#32
I hurt my knee recently and my doctor went from telling me that "Yeah everyone's climbed into thier yard waste bin and it's tipped over. Been there myself" then he figured out I was on blood thinners and did a complete 180 to "You definitely shouldn't be doing that!....." and then started detailing why.
Image credits: TransformerTanooki
#33
“It’s just a shame to see pretty girls with all those tattoos!” when I went in to urgent care for a potentially infected cut that happened to be on one of my arms, which are sleeved. Sir, do I need antibiotic ointment or not? My tattoos have nothing to do with this interaction.
#34
I had a cough I couldn't shake for a couple of months. Not a nagging cough but a once an hour light cough thing. Just enough to be annoying.
Since it wasn't that frequent the doc asked why I wanted to get rid of it.
wtf? First and last time I went to that guy.
#35
“your guess is as good as mine”.
Image credits: Murky-Cauliflower-49
#36
Doctor: Are you gay?
Me: No.
Doctor: Oh, I thought you were.
#37
“Get back on that horse” (after I miscarried).
Image credits: Old_Ladies_Die_Hard
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