Okay, so we all know that liking dark jokes is a sign of intelligence (and maybe some underlying problems). The darker, more ironical, and satirical is the humor of your preference, the likely higher your IQ. Or, at the very least, that’s what I like to think. Liking these dark jokes might also reflect our view of the world. We all know that life tends to get icky at more than one point of its runtime, and it’s us taking it in stride and having the courage to laugh at our woes. Well, at least, smirk it all off. Okay, okay, nod it off.
Anyway, you probably didn’t click on this article to read about the meaning of life, but rather to be amused by our collection of only the very best dark jokes. Sure enough, they’ll cover each and every pressing topic you might encounter at some point - from losing your limbs to losing your mind; these cool jokes will leave no stone unturned. So, if your bothers need some relating to, you’ve come to the right place to make your troubles less and your mood far better.
Now, the usual - to check out these clever jokes, you’ll have to scroll downward. By letting yourself enjoy these dark humor items, you’ll probably feel rather smug, but don’t forget about your friends - they might want to borrow that smugness from you, so don’t forget to share this article with your folks. Of course, lest you forget, let us remind you to vote for the most hilarious jokes and maybe add in your choice in the comments. I think the steps are all covered, and it’s absolutely about time for some laughs!
#1
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
#2
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
#3
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
#4
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
#5
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
#6
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
#7
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
#8
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
#9
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
#10
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
#11
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
#12
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
#13
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
#14
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
#15
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
#16
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
#17
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
#18
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
#19
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
#20
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#21
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
#22
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
#23
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
#24
Siri, why am I still single?! *Siri activates front camera*
#25
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
#26
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
#27
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
#28
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
#29
Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.
#30
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
#31
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.#32
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.#33
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.#34
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.#35
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.#36
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.#37
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."#38
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.#39
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.#40
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.#41
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.#42
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.#43
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."#44
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.#45
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.#46
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"#47
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.#48
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.#49
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!#50
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."#51
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.#52
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.#53
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.#54
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!#55
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
#56
Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
#57
The easiest way to know you are ugly is when you are handed the camera every time there is a group photo.#58
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!#59
My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.#60
Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let her in.#61
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.#62
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.#63
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.#64
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.#65
I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.#66
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."#67
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.#68
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Btw – verb, not adjective.#69
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.#70
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.#71
Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”.#72
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.#73
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.#74
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.#75
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.#76
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.#77
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.#78
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.#79
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.#80
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.#81
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left it.#82
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”#83
What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal? Sixty million years.#84
"I want a divorce!" "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."#85
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.#86
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.#87
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.#88
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.#89
What do you do if you’re ever attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.#90
Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home. That’s perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.#91
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty three times.#92
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”#93
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”#94
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.#95
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.#96
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.#97
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake… It was a bittersweet victory.#98
If you want to stop an argument between deaf people, be fast and switch off the lights. Case ended!#99
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me – I cannot feel my legs!” Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”#100
Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?” Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“.#101
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.#102
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.#103
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.#104
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.#105
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.#106
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.#107
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.#108
The cemetery is so overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.#109
Dark Humor is like Healthcare.... It's better if only some people get it.#110
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.#111
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.#112
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?#113
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.#114
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”#115
My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.#116
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead.#117
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.#118
I went out with this girl once who wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and crashed it.#119
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand? The blind start reading your face.#120
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.#121
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.#122
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.#123
Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!#124
I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!#125
What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception? Parents.#126
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.#127
I got a second opinion after I asked my psychiatrist for it after he said I was crazy. He said I was ugly too.#128
What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.#129
What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? “T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”#130
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.#131
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.#132
What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.#133
I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.#134
What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.#135
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – "till the accident".#136
I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads.#137
Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story…from Bored Panda https://bit.ly/3rtkUMt
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