What would you say if someone asked you what it means to be a good man? Some may say it’s caring, others would say it’s about being honest. But what if the question were a little different—what does it mean to be a real man? Taking charge and risks, suppressing weaknesses, and talking like a man may pop into your mind.
This is in fact the real test Prof. Michael Kimmel, a leading scholar on masculinity, runs on his students when the classes start. The simple warm-up activity shows how confusing the messages that boys get from society about manhood are. And it’s not just boys, the notion of masculinity in our society often represses men, claiming that strength is manly, and emotions are weak.
In order to see how truly damaging these narrow cultural ideals of manliness can be, we have to look at the real-life stories from men who experienced it firsthand. So when someone asked on r/AskMen “What was the worst reaction to letting down your emotional shield?” the unsettling responses came in one after another, as they shed light on just how lonely and misunderstood some men really are.
#1
In college a couple friends (both f) noticed I (m) was having a bad week and insisted I tell them what was going on.After 15 minutes of me ranting about my grades, professors, my job, my family, I was starting to feel better getting it all off my chest. But then one of them, making no attempt to hide it, leans to the other and says “damn I wish we never asked” and they both start laughing with each other about how much they didn’t want to be there listening to me.
Now whenever people ask how I’m doing I just say I’m fine or I’m tired to save the time and energy.
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#2
Told my dad I was on brain meds for anxiety.“Mental weakling” were the words I believe.
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#3
The one person I looked up to and wanted to be proud of me told me how worthless I was to him in a way that left no room for doubt.
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#4
I found out the person I wanted to be proud of me was just using me for their own personal gain. It was one of two people I fully let my guard down and man it stung.
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#5
I went to therapy and my therapist advised me to let down my guard to my girlfriend. She lost all attraction to me, shared my issues with her whole friend group for “her support”, and then broke up with me. Life will teach you lessons the hard way whenever possible.
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#6
I opened up to my mother twice about how I feel about my life and she is still using it against me 5 years later. I’ll never forgive her for that
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#7
My biological father is a [jerk], and a lot of my depression and self esteem issues stem from my relationship with him. I tried opening up to a college girlfriend about it, and she called me “Captain Daddy Issues” and laughed at me. I laughed it off at the time, but it seriously broke my heart and led to me shutting down emotionally until I met the women I wound up marrying.
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#8
I opened up about my home situation in primary school to my teachers. it was about how my dad has a fuse the size of a microbe and can be verbally..abusive. my teacher told my parents what I told her. needless to say my dad was pissed and I didnt dare to talk about this stuff to “trust persons” till last year (16 years later)
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#9
My mother passed when I was 15, cried my eyes out to my girlfriend at the time – she called me a little b**** and said she didn’t get why I was crying – behind my back to her group of friends, and my best friend, who told me. So I broke up with her, then she spread a bunch of rumors about me. Yep, Teenagers are [messed] up
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#10
My wife asked me what I said at counselling and I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She wondered aloud what else I hadn’t told her, and why I was keeping secrets, and does she really know me, and how can she trust me…
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#11
I don’t like opening up to anyone even today, after two years of anti depressants and six months of therapy. I can’t open up to my mom because she would end up using it against me, maybe immediately, maybe later. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She’s been through a great deal and tried her level best to not let that [stuff] reach us ( my brother and I),but to err is human. My dad is what your typical Indian dad is, a stoic guy, not expressing himself( kind of like the meme of that dog sitting in a room on fire). Add to that his emotionally distant parents and him joining the army at 17 to become an officer and you have this absolutely thick exterior that doesn’t let anything through. I work as a doctor in Delhi. Everyone around is dying. Bright eyed juniors I knew, people I said goodbye to not knowing it would be the last opportunity I’d get, patients and their hapless families, grieving mothers/ fathers/ wives/ husbands/ parents/ children. None of them deserved it and I feel that somehow I’m to blame. I can’t just man up every time. Sorry I started this diatribe. Had to get it out somewhere.
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#12
My ex never reacted well to me opening up to her. I think it scared her or something. Getting a real, raw glimpse inside someone who is struggling with mental health issues can really freak people out, especially when they have this idea of who their partner should be or, how they want their life to be.
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#13
That was my experience with my first girlfriend. She was really pushy about knowing my deepest, most irrational feelings, but got insecure, defensive and hurt over them when I shared instead of being remotely supportive.
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#14
My grandfather who was like my father died. Then for the next 3 weeks I was very sad and aloof. My girlfriend at the time just found another guy because I couldn't be fun.
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#15
My wife started sleeping with someone else. Lesson learned.
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#16
The number of times I’ve been told “Ah you’re like a girl” and ignored is pathetic.
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#17
Divorce
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#18
Once, I told my friends about my high insecurities regarding my physical appearance and my “attractivness” (or lack of thereof in my case), and they laughed at me and made joke about it not being a “big deal” and implying that I was acting/thinking like a girl. I never shared anything more with those friends lol.
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#19
I got my ass beat for trying to talk to my mom about being abused. Then getting s**t on every time I’ve tried to relate to someone since. I don’t really want to live in a world like this but I guess I don’t have a choice.
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#20
In my family I - as the father - am the rock and immovable point where everything hinges on. The stoic calm eye of the storm.I once started to open up to my wife about what worries me and she almost had a nervous breakdown and I ended up consoling her for an hour. And it was some of the rather tame [stuff] I deal with all the time.
I stopped opening up about my worries towards her after that. I have a friend or two I can share heavy stuff with, but not with my partner. I tell her about stuff once it is solved.
"You should open up to me more!"
No.
Example of something current? The smell of desinfectant triggers painful memories of the death of my first daughter (NICU, 27 days old). Luckily you can't see my face under the mask in public, where there is a desinfectant station at every shop. I barely flinch at the pain anymore.
"You look grumpy today?"
"Grocery shopping was... exhausting. Everything is fine."
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#21
Grew up in the hood. Lost friends to violence or prison, lost people to drugs, saw some [stuff] that really [messed] me up.Met a girl who told me I could tell her anything and she was always there if I needed to talk. One night it got to me and I opened up to her and you could just see all the attraction leave her face. She ended up distancing herself from me afterwards and we lost contact.
Learned a harsh but blunt truth that night. When women say they want you to open up, what they really mean is the romanticized version their favorite romance flicks show, not what it actually looks like to open up.
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#22
For me, it was when I needed her to be the strong one. Got super stressed out from first deployment, expressed that I needed a day or two of my own time to chill out from my gf at the time due to her insatiable desire to either be horny or problematic or how she would constantly express her horniness and then dump a really tough conversation on me (she was very back and forth about wanting kids, huge topic for me). Like she’d butter me up and then mention her mother wants us to date for 7 years before marriage and that’s the only way it could happen like wHAT. So. During the time I needed to clear my head, I didn’t do anything that’d hurt her I just went to work and focused on me and coping. Turns out, she lost interest in me pretty much immediately and then left me the two days later once I felt okay again because I wasn’t good enough. It’s cool, I was fine all alone out there and I learned that I am not dating a manipulative wreck who uses relationships to feel better about themself and uses me as a therapist. I’m a grown ass man and sometimes if I’m really stressed I need space away from the stress and not more crying or problems or complicated shenanigans.
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#23
A friend of mine told me I should open up more, and to share more with her. She promptly decided to drop all her problems on me, while also telling me to [sod] off when I had my own problems because “you should go deal with your problems yourself, I’m not your therapist”. She then used my issues to try and gaslight me into thinking I was insane. Nice gal, we ain’t friends anymore.134
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#24
I was kind of dating a woman, she wanted me to have a STD test just to make sure i didn't had anything, so we could have some intimacy without protection and without worries (she was on the pill). I had the opportunity to have sex, but i declined because i wanted to respect what she told me, next day she returned with her abusive ex boyfriend. We had plans for the summer and everything was gone in a second. It hurt.I would say i dodged a bullet.
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#25
This isn't earth-shatteringly bad like some people, but me and my girlfriend are long distance, and the pandemic means we've not seen eachother in almost 9 months at this point. That's caused some friction.She too has previously pulled the 'you need to open up and communicate your problems' line on me, which to an extent I get, I'm quite a reserved person. But despite my warnings at the time that she might not like what she hears, she still gets incredibly hurt when I criticise her even the slightest bit or tries to one-up me when I complain about how things in my life are going.
I'm sticking with it because its what she repeatedly says she wants, but I don't think its done our relationship any favours. She gets to feel insecure and upset because I say things I'd otherwise have kept secret, and I get to feel guilty for making her feel that way with none of the catharsis of actually venting to someone who cares.
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#26
When I've opened up to women about my abusive childhood (because they ask me to "open up more"), they 9/10 times attempt to win gold in the "Victim Olympics". They compare traumas and somehow make it about them. Yet when they tell me about their struggles/traumas I always listen, show compassion, and validate them if applicable. I never compare.My ex even got mad at me after I opened up. Not in the moment. It was about 3 weeks later. She said "I feel like I can't even open up to you anymore". When I asked why? she said "When I think about what you've been through, I feel like I can't complain about my situation". She was upset at me for this and wanted me to apologize for having "worse" (it's all subjective) trauma than her own.
I've found that many women want more for you to communicate how something made you feel. As opposed to hearing what actually happened. I've had the most success when I omit details and only discuss the feeling. For example "Childhood I felt helpless and alone but I'm good now". Rather than "When I was 11 my brother held a metal fork to the stove and branded me with it for fun".
Less details the better. Oh and for the record, you'll never out victim them.
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#27
Aunt and I(M) got into a fight, I was 16 the time. It was a misunderstanding. She was shouting that I cursed at her when I didn’t even knew she was there. Parents were unreasonable and kept telling me that I shouldn’t have shouted back because they were older even though they were in the wrong. Told my girlfriend and some of my new friends at the new school. They were very helpful in the messages, morning comes and they were laughing at a part of the story I told them which didn’t really mattered in comparison to what I felt. Didn’t talk or came near them for 3 days. Girlfriend apologized though when I told her how insensitive it was.
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#28
So, when i was still trying to make my marriage work, my therapist advised me to open up to my ex wife about my past. So i did just that. After i told her the second story about my sister, she threw it back in my face the day. Told my therapist “yep, not doing that again.” Therapist agreed available introduced me to a marriage counselor. That back fired too.
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#29
I really don’t talk about it honestly. I could write a couple of books, on the failures of empathy and camaraderie I’ve encountered throughout my life. I feel like I would be dashing the hopes of any men who want a peaceful and meaningful life.I’ve not been flaunted, but I’ve been taken advantage of, disdained, spat on, dismissed, laughed at, physically assaulted, threatened, later jumped, and made a literal new target of ethnic gangs.
I honestly recommend just finding a therapist, it’s a literal cultural crime on every continent to be weak as a man. At least a therapist is expected to be rational and cultured.
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#30
Opened up about how I felt about being dumped to a close friend that I was there for when they were in the same situation. My feelings and emotions were dismissed. The conversation left me feeling like an idiot for having these perfectly normal post break up feelings.
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#31
My ex was incredibly manipulative. As we were nearing the end of our relationship there were two distinct times that were the final nails in the coffin so to speak.The first was when I was trying to salvage the marriage, I asked her to be more involved. Told her I didn't feel loved and that it felt like she had checked out. She didn't try with the kids, the house, sex or me. I said I wanted more. She told me if I didn't like it I should leave. How someone who supposedly loved me could say that to my face when I was trying to tell her I was unhappy was beyond me.
The second was. a few months later. I got tired of trying to hide things and emotionally broke down one day. Ugly crying and all. I told her I was unhappy and I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I told her basically all the things I had said before. She was a bit upset. But she said "I never thought you would leave, so I stopped trying" To this day that still echos through my head.
We got divorced a few months later. The hardest thing I have ever done! But, I am so much freaking happier now!
#32
Like every other shield, you drop it you get stabed or shot. The only time you drop the shield is when the other person can't hurt you or you know really damn well that they won't.I don't drop my shield.
#33
Anytime my ex needed help or support, I was always there to lend a hand. Anytime I needed help and support, when I'd lose jobs due to my various mental issues, when I needed to cry, when I was at my lowest points with them, all of a sudden our relationship was drifting apart, we're on separate paths, they wanted to go on breaks.#34
To quote Danny, "the last time I gave a [damn], I got [screwed]."Plenty of folks say that men should be more open and honest with their emotions, but nobody actually wants to hear or help deal with those emotions unless they're getting a paycheck for it.
#35
I was discussing with a classmate (yes we have classmates here like high school) in college about how I live with my brother but we haven't spoked in more than 4 years because we can't stand each other and how it feels so weird when people mention their siblings as great friends. A week later, I was angry at something in class and he said "...and you know this is why you don't even speak to your brother, not talking to your own brother what kinda attitude..." and made a huge fuss about it that day I stopped our discussion to the bear minimum ever since.There's also this girl who I got close to and I would listen to her issues and help as much as I can we have similar problems but she at times would made fun of my body type or just laugh. Specially one time I was talking about how I don't wear Nike Air Forces because of my skinny ankles and I could hear her behind me laughing. Knowing that she has a body type that made her really insecure I never understand how she could be so mean. Fast forward months later she asked me out on a date I declined.
#36
This thread has gotten me thinking. I don't know how many times I've asked guys to open up to me without much success really, and now I understand why. Some of the responses you've gotten are horrifying to put it nicely. I know women crave emotional connection but most times we aren't strong enough to handle what we've been told even though we literally begged to be told.Story time So I have this really close friend of mine, we've know each other since we were young but only became close on secondary school. When we were in Grade 9 we (Her friend group) noticed that she would always wear a jersey even when it was hot ad when she took it off there would be scars on her arms. Now the thing is I knew she wasn't the happiest person and she was going through stuff but I was so scared to ask cause I didn't know what I was going to hear. We finally got her to open up to us and she told us that she was self harming and that's why she had scars on her arms and thighs. I was so shaken it took all of me to stop myself from crying. I couldn't even look her in the face. So many things were going through my head. I felt like I was to blame for all she was going through I just didn't know where to begin supporting her. Note that this was the first time I had ever heard of self harm before, the thought was so alien to me I wondered how someone could purposely try to make themselves feel pain. It took me a good 2 weeks to come to terms with it and then be there for her.
I now feel terrible for asking guys to open up and not being there for them how they needed me to be there for them. Men of this forum, when you finally open up to a woman how would you want us to react firstly, then support you? How do you make sure that what someone tells you especially someone who you like doesn't alter your view of them?
#37
In my exit interview with a company that nearly drove me to suicide, I shared a few personal details hoping to make a few people realize just how bad things had gotten. The company had purposefully put me in absolutely horrible situations year after year because they knew I was dedicated and dependable. What started out as my dream job quickly spiraled into a soul-sucking abusive and hostile work environment, and the executives and HR couldn't have cared less since they were getting monstrous bonuses. As a thank you for my efforts, the company demoted me, cut my pay, kicked me out of my own department, and dumped 3 people's jobs on me in the process. I had enough and I quit.In the exit interview, I remained professional and calm. When HR asked me why I was leaving, I had every reason bullet-pointed and shared them calmly and verbatim. I also accused HR of knowing the reasons and hiding it because it garnished her favor with new management. She looked shocked, which was a completely fabricated reaction. At one point I said "This company continually put me in situations that were entirely unacceptable, knowingly hostile, and the responsibility for the well being, safety, and security of most employees here was on my shoulders, yet I had zero support from day one. I internalized the stress for too long, and by the time I realized the severity, it was too late. I was in the hospital multiple times dealing with chronic pain and suicide attempts. The company even felt it was acceptable to have customers call me directly while I was in a hospital bed. I wasn't even allowed to take time off when half of my family died. Where were you? On vacation. Where was everyone else? Heads in the sand. You knew, you did nothing."
I was promptly asked to leave the building. I haven't worked there in several years now, and I hear that my name still gets brought up on a weekly basis. HR leaked my statement through gossip, and it got back to me by a few former colleagues. That company hired so many unethical people all at once, I think Satan himself wouldn't dare step foot in there.
#38
Every time I open up to a woman, trust in her, invest in her emotionally, she ends up running away. Then with women where I'm not invested, even when I tell them in no uncertain terms they go in hard and want me to be all lovey dovey with her. So I think I'm done with the whole love and vulnerability [stuff].#39
I was honest with friends when I was younger and it just made me a target. If you show weakness you open yourself up to abuse. I think there's only 3 options really.Therapy. Find an outside person with no social connection to you.
Work out to burn off those emotions.
Take ecstasy and overshare with people who are also on ecstasy. It's the only time in my life I've been able to do that and not be judged for it.
#40
Went through an ugly domestic violence experience and relationship breakdown. Restraining order. Divorce. Whole shebang.Tried to reach out to my only family member. Was told "I don't have the emotional capacity to support you".
K. Thx. Fuk me right.
#41
I was a late bloomer romantically - not a "nice guy" or a creeper, I just had some serious self-worth/depression issues. I'd been in very good shape, had a stable job, and had hobbies that had me in the outdoors and with the best of friends.So when the first girl that I clicked with after I'd decided to give dating a try dumped me after finding out that I'd been a virgin, it didn't feel great. Apparently bringing a flower to a date for her had been pathetic, as well.
I hadn't been hiding it from her or been in love or anything, but someone basically telling me that I was clingy and weird just because I'd never really tried. to be with someone until my mid-20s.
#42
I always try to let the women I care about know how I'm feeling genuinely, not just what I tell my mates. But everytime I do this I end up catching feelings for my best friends when they have no interest in me and am completely oblivious to the ones who do/ did actually like me. The vicious cycle has been going on for 3 years now and I wish I knew how to fix it and have lost 3/4 potential dates.#43
I told my employer about how I was going through a divorce because my quality at work was being effect and that I was going to see a counselor who volunteered at an addiction recovery and who convinced me to volunteer and teach recovering addicts how to keep bees as therapy. My employer later accused me of stealing $15000 worth of bee things and honey with no evidence and illegally searched my storage shed where I kept my personal bee things at a private yard. Later he reduced my hours from 40 to 4 to try and get me to quit. Which worked as I had to commute 45 minutes to work and for 4 hours a week, split between 3 days, it wasn't worth it.#44
I was told I had no fire or passion and my girlfriend was attracted to me when we argued and I showed a bit of "spark"Another time I told my mum about my anxiety and depression diagnosis. She storrmed upstairs and told me I was lucky because in the 80s id have been thrown out of the house and there was some show where that happened and this guy was crying and that would be me...
All very bizarre.
#45
I tested the waters with my old college friends by telling them how sad I’ve been lately, but I was ignored.It just hurt and made my feelings invalid. So, I pretended I was super chill, like I’ve always been doing and everything was ok again. Not really
Edit: This doesn’t sound so bad compared to everyone else, but I never share my feelings. I thought it might be a time where I can come out and try to share my emotions with people I thought would understand, but it wasn’t meant to be.
#46
It's really sad to hear how things typically go for you guys but I'm loving how supportive everyone is in the comments!#47
You guys must have pretty terrible girlfriends. My wife and I share most things we feel vulnerable about. I am not going out of my way to be emotional, but I'm not hiding it behind some shield either.If you show your true colors to a partner and she breaks up with you, it wasn't meant to last anyway.
#48
One thing I've noticed is that if I explain my problems through humour then everything is fine. If I explain them seriously, as I've only done maybe 2 or 3 times... every time they have either left me or ghosted meMy feeling is that, at least with the women I've met and talked to, they only care about your issues so long as it doesn't affect them. As long as you're still going to deal with it yourself and they don't need to do anything, you're fine. If you actually need comforting at any moment or anything, it's over. I've had a couple women say basically exactly that. I remember one in particular talking about her husband and saying 'I don't want to think of him as weak, but I do'. Sounds like it's not even in their control
#49
I have nothing to add, other than I echo other men's sentiments here. There's a reason its called being vulnerable: because you're leaving yourself open to being hurt. So be careful. It sucks but that's the world we live in.#50
My ex GF,I was going through a rough patch slight depression. Told her I was looking to improve our relationship and understanding. She decided to break up with me.Even if I was the rock, helped her earn some money, drove her everywhere. Helped her sister when she got beat up by exhusband (yeah awful). Helped her sister with the kids by finding them diapers and food. Helped the dad find oil and gasoline (my country for a moment there was none). And drove her to medical school when she couldn’t find transport. Paid for a trip to another country when our country was failing so we could be safer (later returned).
I said “you know i was not in a good place, i have not been my best for like 3 months. Ive supported you in everything, just give me a small chance”.
She responded “ don’t kill yourself, if you feel bad call your best friend”. “ you dont deserve this”.
Found out she cheated and the new boyfriend appeared a month later. Still hurts even after a year.
I’m still awestruck the way she did everything, a 3 year relationship meant that little.... but i have been better.
#51
Haha, I have some guilt issues from some war [stuff], and when I get drunk it slips out and everything gets awkward. Literally the only people who don’t give me [damn] for expressing it are strippers, and that I is only if I am paying.I understand why though. Horrible things horrify people, and they want to distance themselves from it. When I drop that on people it is rude of me, because who wants to think about that?
NGL I have caught myself doing the same thing, but now that I am aware, I am much more sympathetic.
#52
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