We find a joke entertaining because of its perfect timing, clever reference, or its artistic delivery. We hear them in standup performances, popular YouTube videos, or from that one guy everyone wants to be friends with. It's not easy to come up with a witty line. However, that doesn't stop us from trying. From time to time, everyone wants to be the center of attention, admired for their creative quick-thinking. And the jokes we spit out in the process might be... bad. Terrible. Absolutely horrible. So rotten, they're actually good. When Reddit user indurative-conseils asked the internet, "What's a joke that's so stupid it's funny?", their post immediately went viral, generating over 70k upvotes and nearly 15K responses, and the world got to see a refined collection of some of the worst dad jokes ever created. Enjoy!
#1
I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.#2
To be frank, I'd have to change my name.#3
Say what you want about deaf people.#4
They say smoking kills, but it cures salmon.#5
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?Well the flag’s a big plus.
#6
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.#7
Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says " May I just say one word?" Sure she replies." Plethora" The widow says" Thanks. That means a lot"#8
"Hey, guess what!""What?"
"Good guess."
#9
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
#10
What's red and bad for your teeth?A brick
#11
Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?#12
A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three. He counted, "Uno, dos..." and disappeared without a tres.#13
What was E.T short for?Because he had little legs.
#14
Courtesy of my daughter-What do you call a broken can opener?
A can’t opener.
#15
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?#16
Why did Edward Woodward have so many ‘d’s in his name?Why?
Because without them he'd have been called Ewar Woowar.
#17
What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut?Im a cashew
#18
Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?(Wait for them to say Rrrrrr)
A: Yarr, yee’d think so, but me first love be the C!
#19
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Just Juan
#20
What's blue and not very heavy?Light blue.
#21
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"#22
What do you call a magic dog?A labracadabrador
#23
Two soldiers are in a tank. On, looks at the other and says, "BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB."
#24
You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran because it’s past tents#25
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."#26
Two whales are drunk at a bar. One whale says... (make long whale coo-ing noises until everyone around you is pretty uncomfortable. Like I'm not shitting you, at least 1-2 full minutes of weird off pitch whale noises)The other whale says... (Do a deep inhale like you're about to make more weird whale noises and so that everyone around you almost gets pissed and unfriends you on Facebook) "Go home, Frank. You're drunk"
#27
A man walked into a zoo. There was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.#28
Why'd the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!#29
What do you call an alligator in a vest?An investigator
#30
If Russians pronounce B’s as V’s then Soviet.#31
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.#32
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I f**ked up."
#33
What do we want? "Airplane noises!" When do we want them? "Nyeow!"#34
Why do scuba divers jump backwards out of the boat?Because if they jumped forward, they’d still be in the boat
#35
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
#36
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second “ have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “ good thing I‘m a helicopter”#37
I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’I couldn’t turn it down.
#38
What did Stevie Wonder say to the Seagull?"I can't see s**t"
#39
I stole this from online, but I used it at work and got a bunch of laughs.While using the step ladder, someone said "What do you need that ladder for?" I replied. "I never knew my real ladder. This is just my step ladder."
#40
Knock knockWho’s there?
Quiet horse
Quiet horse who?
(In a whisper) Neigh...
#41
I used to be good a telling jokes, but now I just punch up the f**k line.#42
What's brown and sticky?A stick.
#43
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?Supplies!
#44
A psychic dwarf was committed for murder. After a few days in prison, he broke out. He was a small medium at large.#45
A man enters a pun contest in his local newspaper. He sends in ten puns, hoping at least one of them would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.#46
An Irishman walks out of a bar.#47
My dad called me the other day just to tell me this joke:A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
#48
Two pretzels were walking down a back alley.One was a salted.
#49
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.
#50
I told my mum that when I'm older I was going to build a car out of spaghetti, you should've seen her face when I drove pasta.#51
A naked guy just dunked his balls in glitter.That's pretty nuts.
#52
A pirate walks into a bar. He's walking bow legged, because he has a steering wheel chained between his knees.The bartender asks the obvious, "Why do you have a steering wheel chained between your legs?"
The pirate answers, "Yaaaaarr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
#53
What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
#54
Steak jokes are a rare medium well done.#55
how do you think the unthinkable?with an ithberg
#56
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, but it let out a little wine.#57
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sarah#58
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.
#59
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooooooooooo!
#60
Two cats are having a swimming race, one is English and one is French. Both are called 1, 2, 3. Which one won?The English cat because un, deux, trois cat sank.
#61
Being told I was deaf was really hard to hear.#62
A priest, a rabbi and a whale walk into a bar. The priest walks up to the bartender and says, "since I believe that our lord and savior has appeared on this Earth as Jesus Christ, I shall drink sacramental wine." The rabbi walks up to the bartender and says, "since I do not believe our lord and savior has appeared on this earth and am still waiting for him, I shall drink manischewitz wine." The whale walks up to the bartender and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
#63
My fake plant died because I forgot to pretend to water it.#64
Two men walked into a bar and the third guy ducked.#65
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.#66
A drummer’s wife had quadruplets. He wanted to name each one Anna. She asked how they will tell them apart. He replied, “Anna1, Anna2...”#67
A skeleton walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”#68
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
#69
Why can’t the pope be cremated?Cause he’s alive
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