Of all the things you wholeheartedly do not want to happen in your life, walking in on your parents doing the deed surely comes fairly close to the top.
We are all Kevin the teenager when it comes to this universally icky fact; collectively willing ourselves to believe that our parents have only ever done it once as a means of procreation. And they absolutely did not enjoy it.
As one poor woman found out, having this illusion blasted away via a grainy VHS tape in no way softens the sickening blow of realising your parents actually go at it hammer and tongs; sometimes even filming their enthusiastic bonk sessions.
I can only apologise in advance for the nightmares the following horror story will undoubtedly bring you…
In a blog post on MamaMia, a woman revealed the moment a fun day of bunking off school as a teenager became counselling session material.
After rummaging around in her parents’ room – probably an unwise decision in retrospect – the unnamed woman came across a hidden collection of VHS tapes. For any post-2000 babies, this was the nineties, when owning a fancy DVD player – let alone Netflix! – was still a futuristic dream.
Like many a teenager before her, our heroine was on the hunt for porn. And, after trying a couple of tapes, she thought she had struck perv gold.
Oblivious to what she was watching, the woman did get an odd sense of déjà vu on viewing:
The third [tape] started with a couch. It looked a lot like our couch, which was weird. It was shot on a tripod and was quite far away, but I could make out a naked woman on the couch.
Then a man, who was clearly fiddling with the camera controls walked away from the camera, naked bum in all its glory, towards the woman.
It was kind of dark, so really just silhouettes, but they started kissing and it was ok. Not really hot, but ok.
Despite not being particularly thrilled by the tame on-screen action, the porn pursuer persevered like a trooper:
Then the dude jumped on the woman and they started having stiff, missionary sex.
It was the least sensual porn I had seen, and although I didn’t have much to compare it with, I was pretty sure this was amateur.
Despite this I tried to have a little wank. My heart wasn’t in it, but I felt obliged, watching porn and all.
A truly shuddering thought in retrospect…
The woman explained how there was a ‘little grunting’ in the scene, with the act itself lasting for about 10 minutes. When the man finally got up, he walk over to the tripod with a smile on his face and his ‘doodle swinging around’.
He looked chillingly familiar, and a creeping realisation dawned. In about ‘four seconds’, she realised she had been watching her very own mum and dad doing the four-legged foxtrot on her couch.
She shivered:
I have never run so fast to the VHS player to hit stop. But it took forever, my legs were jelly, the VHS player was so far away. I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO but it came out all low pitched and slow.
I managed to get to the stop button.
But the damage was done.
My life was over.
I had wanked to a video of my parents having sex.
For 15 years, the woman managed to scrub the incident from her brain, but is thankfully now able to laugh about it. She even admitted to being a little ‘impressed’ by the unexpected kinky side of her parents.
However, she has warned others to watch out if they come across a sex tape with what appears to be their coach in it…
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